Super Spider Powers

By

“I don’t think it will really work. Do you really think it will work?” If Mark heard me, nothing in his demeanor showed it. He knew it would work. I was still fuzzy on the details, and I was pretty sure Mark was too. But his confidence had nothing to do with niggling details. Mark was an idea man. His confidence came from his grasp of the big picture. And we all agreed on the big picture: when a radioactive spider bites you, you get super spider powers.

From the cartoon on Channel 17, I never really understood how Spiderman got his powers, but Mark had the more authoritative comic books. He explained the whole thing: Peter Bannister was in a science lab, and a radioactive spider got loose and bit him, and then he got spider powers. We ate this stuff up.

Mark was the youngest of several brothers, so even in third grade an air of worldliness attached to him. He knew things the rest of us didn’t. It wasn’t just that he knew things; it was his casual, can-do attitude toward life’s great mysteries. This was a young man, after all, who had baptized his own dog.

So when Mark came to school with a plan to give us all super spider powers, he had our attention. He had a spider in a jar. All we had to do was to get the spider radioactive and let it bite us.

I thought getting the spider radioactive would be the hard part, but it wasn’t really. Mark had checked out a book of optical illusions from the school library. On the back cover was a swirling spiral that seemed to spin when you rocked it back and forth. He held it a few inches from the spider’s jar and set the spiral spinning.

This seemed mighty low-tech and dubious to me, and I said so. But the words were hardly out of my mouth when the spider collapsed in a curled-up little heap. Mark raised his eyebrows and gave a knowing nod, as if to say, “This is to be expected.”

“Is he dead?” asked one of the boys.

“Not dead,” Mark answered. “Radioactive. Now, who’s going to go first?”

We all looked at each other. In principle, super spider powers were a good thing. But actually to let a radioactive spider bite you…none of us were very sure about that. Even Peter Bannister hadn’t let a spider bite him. It was an accident.

“Look here,” Mark said. There was impatience in his voice. “When this spider wakes up, he’ll only be radioactive for a minute or two.” I’m not sure how he knew this. “We need to decide who’s going to get bit. William, why don’t you go first?”

William appeared to be weighing the pros and the cons. “So what kind of super spider powers will I get?”

“You know, like on the TV show,” said Mark. “You can walk up walls. Jump over buildings. Shoot webs out your wrists.”

William looked carefully at his wrist. “Where’s it going to come out? The web.”

Mark had to think on that one. “We’ll have to cut a little hole. Right there.” He swiped a thumbnail across the soft white underside of William’s wrist.

That’s where he blew it. William wasn’t going to let Mark cut him, and neither were any of the rest of us. Mark cajoled another boy or two, and we all argued back and forth for a while, but negotiations broke off with the recess bell, and we mostly dropped the whole thing.

I don’t know what became of the spider. But I like to imagine him awakening from his swoon and stalking across the Miller Elementary playground, his eyes aglow with radioactivity. He’s looking for an unsuspecting grade-school hero—one who won’t be made to choose greatness or choose against it, but rather will have greatness thrust upon him in the form of a spider bite and the dawn of super spider powers.

Jonathan Rogers is the author of The Terrible Speed of Mercy, one of the finest biographies of Flannery O’Connor we’ve ever read. His other books include the Wilderking Trilogy–The Bark of the Bog Owl, The Secret of the Swamp King, and The Way of the Wilderking–as well as The World According to Narnia and a biography of Saint Patrick. He has spent most of his adult life in Nashville, Tennessee, where he and his wife Lou Alice are raising a houseful of robustious children.


11 Comments

  1. Bret Welstead

    Great story! I love it. Some great detail and fantastic storytelling. Thanks for posting it.

    But… um… the comic book nerd in me feels obliged to remind you it’s Peter Parker, not Bannister.

  2. Jonathan Rogers

    @jonathanrogers

    Ouch! This is pretty basic comic book knowledge. Bret, you have revealed just how little I know about the genre. I guess maybe I was confusing Peter Parker with Bruce Banner…and further corrupting Banner to Bannister? Oh well.

  3. Bret Welstead

    No sweat. At least it gave me a chance to interact with the author of the Wilderking Trilogy. My son is 4 and already asking me to read a chapter each night from the Chronicles of Narnia. He loves the fantasy fiction genre already! The Wilderking Trilogy and the Wingfeather Saga will be on his reading list someday, I’m sure!

  4. Jonathan Rogers

    @jonathanrogers

    Mark was the only Presbyterian I knew growing up, though he was an idiosyncratic one. I didn’t understand that when Mark spoke on such matters as baptism, he spoke only for himself, not for the Reformed tradition. One day we we were talking about how many people we had in our families. He said there were seven people in his family: two parents, one daughter, three sons, and a dog. The dog doesn’t count as a family member, I told him. “Mine does,” he said. “I baptized him.”

    I still don’t quite have my arms wrapped around paedobaptism. I think my history with Mark may be a contributing factor.

  5. Peter B

    Okay, the idea of “dog-dunking” just made my day.

    Jonathan, I thought the “Peter Bannister” thing was a further illustration of Mark’s perceived vs. actual grasp on reality; you could have let that one ride as far as I was concerned.

    Thank you for sharing this story, the true lesson of which is that spiders can be killed (or maybe just anesthetized) by a spinning-disc optical illusion.

  6. Peter B

    Shhh! I’m under cover here. If we’re not careful, my hulking spider-powered record-producing persona will be laid bare for the world to see.

    BTW, it’s pretty kooky, but I can understand why a Reformed view of baptism would facilitate your friend’s cross-species conclusion.

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