Square Peg Alliance Uncovers Rare Dino Bones During Midwest Tour

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Nashville, TN (AP Wire)
Eight Nashville-based singer-songwriters, collectively named The Square Peg Alliance, recently uncovered the rare fossilized bones of a Cretaceous vodka-swilling winged super-raptor during a two-day run of concerts in the American midwest. Casualties were reported.

sparowersjpgElectric guitar slinging folk-rock sensation, Andrew Osenga, evidently springing to his nine-toed feet in a spontaneous sprint to the bathroom, accidentally tripped over one of his own guitar cables during a St. Louis, MO concert featuring himself and the other seven ego-centric artists. According to Andrew Peterson, a svelte, maelstrom of a man by most accounts, Osenga’s antics resulted in a large and terrifying hole in the church stage. Artists Randall Goodgame and Jeremy Casella, seated nearby at the time of the incident, immediately fell through the hole into earthen depths beyond the furthest reaches of light and hope. Neither have been heard from since. SPA President Andy Gullahorn, speaking through tears, issued this statement mere minutes after the melee: “I am and always will be a fan of vodka. And super-raptors.”

Upon further inspection of the riddled breach, Jill Phillips, the lone SPA female, sliced her shoulder on one of the uncovered fossilized talons while reaching and wailing down into the depths for her alleged friends. Jill survived the ordeal, thanks in part to the quick thinking of Christian songwriter and master gardener Eric Peters, who used the paper cheat sheets containing his lyrics to stanch Phillips’ bleeding. A hero to some, still a violent bore to others, said Peters, “I’ve been meaning to wean myself from the cheat sheets for years now, anyway.”

St. Louis police officer, Reggie Pride, was the first to respond to the scene of the incident. His closer investigation revealed what appear to be the perfectly intact wing bones and skeletal remains of one of history’s most lethargic creatures ever to roam the pre-homosapien earth. Though it possessed wings and razor sharp teeth, Majora Rubyopterix supposedly rarely left its home, opting instead to remain idle in its typically low to the ground nest so as to avoid any exertion of energy. It survived by catching and eating bugs or smaller herbivores passing in front of its nest. Pianist Ben Shive, a hobbyist in paleontology, attested to the raptor’s affinity for apathy and distilled, fermented potatoes. “Those particular raptors had it made,” stated Shive.

Osenga, simultaneously a hero to the paleontology world and a villain to the church whose sanctuary is now a federal excavation site, remains obstinate about the incident and subsequent historic discovery: “I didn’t ask to discover anything except for maybe new, heretofore undiscovered musical notes. I just wanna play my Gretsch and rock out. Is that so wrong?”

Federal, state and local authorities, in conjunction with songwriter’s guilds, are posing their own separate investigations and audits of the event. Meanwhile, reports have it that the various Square Peg Alliance artists’ CD sales and concert bookings have more than tripled in the aftermath. Purchase Eric Peters’s garden music now before it is sold out.

Profile photo of Eric Peters

Eric Peters, affectionately called "Pappy" by those who love him, is the grand old curmudgeon of the Rabbit Room. But his small stature and often quiet presence belie a giant talent. He's a songwriter of the first order, and a catalogue of great records bears witness to it. His last album, Birds of Relocation, blew minds and found its way onto “year’s best” lists all over the country. When he's not painting, trolling bookstores, or dabbling in photography, he's touring the country in support of his latest record, Far Side of the Sea.


18 Comments

  1. Shawn

    Dang! I’m really gonna miss Randy — Jeremy, too, it’s just that I never got to meet him in person before his untimely demise.

  2. Profile photo of S. D. Smith

    S. D. Smith

    @sdsmith

    Dejavu: EP, you report on events with same accuracy as many modern reporter/activists. But I like your imagination better.

    You need to write a book. I mean a longer, like, one-hundred page book. Like Godric-length. But just straight up imaginative writing and hilarity.

    After you finish Chrome, of course.

    I am thinking Sherlock Holmesish, but perhaps the villain could be an ornate wheel of some kind. The hero could be some white guy with high socks.

  3. Bret Welstead

    I’m glad you guys are organizing and electing officers. Gullahorn as president makes a fair amount of sense to me (but only if Derek Webb is VP, creating a nice dichotomy of office). However, I admit I personally know only 44% of the SPA. Out of curiosity, who is the elected secretary? Treasurer?

    P.S. I was President of my 4-H club 3 years running. Then came the unfortunate pullet debacle of ’89. My political career never fully recovered…

  4. Bret Welstead

    P.P.S. And in response to S.D. Smith’s comment, I’d like to point out that “Welstead” contains several of the same letters in “Watson.” I’m just saying, if you need a sidekick character, I would consider selling the rights for my persona.

  5. Profile photo of Eric Peters

    Eric Peters

    @ericpeters

    I, of course, am SPA Treasurer. I’ve got my sights on a mudslinging VP run in four years.

    In a strange, uncharted move, Derek Webb, the mystical 9th Peg, was elected the SPA janitor. The first shall be last. And vice versa.

    My collegiate foray into journalism has finally paid off.

  6. Aaron Roughton

    I have analyzed the above picture with my transputer and found it to be a fake. However, with the help of an old Speak-N-Spell, a phonograph, and some tin foil, I have used the relative size of the false heads in the picture to determine Eric’s order of favorites in the SPA. They are listed below.

    1. Jeremy Casella is Eric’s favorite, as indicated by his enlarged cranium. His proximity to Eric in the picture certainly no accident.
    2. Andrew Peterson is second favorite, and he looks like he knows it.
    3. Randall Goodgame, while in the back of the boat, came in strong at number 3.
    4. Ben Shive’s hat had to be digitally removed for proper analysis, but it turns out his head actually fills the entire cap.
    5. Andy Gullahorn looks very pleased, even though he is on the bottom side of the favorites.
    6. Andy Osenga is not pleased. I didn’t need the computer to tell me that.
    7. Eric Peters humbly placed himself second to the bottom.
    8. Jill Phillips is Eric’s least favorite SPA member, and she is not happy. Or she may be unhappy about how the steroids have left her with manly arms and no neck.

  7. Profile photo of Eric Peters

    Eric Peters

    @ericpeters

    Aaron, you win. Superb analysis. If Apple makes a “transputor”, sign me up for one. Poor Jill. And let us not forget Derek “Syndrome” Webb who happens to be seated immediately in front of Osenga, just outside the photo’s reach, his head in his hands, with neither oar nor megaphone to propel the SPA.

    LauraP, sorry I wasn’t sure if the audience could tolerate tarantulas AND razor sharp fangs within the same text. We don’t want to cause nightmares around here. Or do we? (spoken in my best Boris Karloff voice)

  8. Robert Treskillard

    This is hilarious.

    But I could’a been there! Like, as a witness for poosterity. Too bad I didn’t know youse guys was gonna be in St. Louis!

    Ahem, anyway, I’ll need to check your concert schedule in the future.

    -Robert

  9. Aaron Roughton

    Well, I’m glad to have won. But I do think the fact that my iTransputer was not able to detect Derek’s presence combined with the fact that in rowing, Randall Goodgame is actually in the FRONT of the boat throws the whole analysis into question. Thanks for a great post and a very cleverly and nearly undetectably faked photograph. And I’m not joking about the great post.

  10. Profile photo of Eric Peters

    Eric Peters

    @ericpeters

    Credit where credit is due: this photograph is courtesy of our own clever Andy Gullahorn. Besides, I have no idea how to superimpose heads onto bodies.

    As to the journalism itself, I hope no fellow SPA member sues me for libel or defamation of character, especially Goodgame and Casella, whose carcasses lie somewhere in the depths between the St. Peters, MO crust of earth and that of the Orient.

  11. Christopher Dilworth

    Dejavu…Dejavu… I was wondering how to spell that! Thanks! And to the subject of transplanting heads of one to the bodies of others… I have extensive creative experience in such practices. Following the practices of the ancient Egyptians, I have managed to apply the head of a toad to the body of a dog along with the application of a likeness of an Indian Budha head to the standing body of a deer. Of course these were castings of concrete… any other way would be barbaric! Now on to more gratifying practices…breakfast…

  12. Sharon

    I saw that Jeremy Casella is going to be a dad again. No wonder his head is so big. 🙂

  13. Jen

    I love that Peterson looks PEEVED, and Andy O looks a little worried that AP might take him out. What’d you do Osenga?!

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