P90X-Mass, or The Weight of Arms

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My eldest –though, not-elderly- son recently stomped through the house singing “…with the angelic host proclaim, Christ is born, in battle home.” He likes weapons, so I guess he has militarized the Holidays. He warns us all, with gentle pleas and political rallies, to keep the longbow in Christmas. We’re making bumper stickers and getting mad at people who try to take it out.

keeplongbowsinxmasSpeaking of holidays, like I was just doing, after the New Year everyone is trying to get “in shape” (which is really misleading, because everyone is in shape form). I aim for the form of a broom-stick, and my 32 year-long bouts with an unfriendly stomach have helped me maintain my stickish figure.

But for those with normally-functioning stomachs there is the possibility of swelling beyond desired bounds. According to Twitter and Facebook research, 106.3% of my friends are engaged in an activity called “P90X.”

As a pretend investigative journalist, I decided to get to the fat bottom of this “P90X” phenomenon without asking anyone anything about it and without using the internet search engines for accurate help. Pretend I’m in China.

P90X. What is it?

At first I believed this to be a science-fiction movie wherein a cyborg, the “P90X,” has gotten out of control. And believe me, a cyborg out of control can seriously cut down on the body weight. There is usually a lot of running, often loss of limbs. How much do arms weigh? Or…

Could this be a new cult wherein personhood is minimized? Everyone is given an alphanumeric designation (the same one?) and a collectivist attitude is cultivated. “P90X, welcome to the Unit. Please sit over there by…P90X.” This might lead to depression, which causes weight loss. Or…

A lot of weight is in fluid, which is why if you don’t drink anything you will not weigh much (and also die). Often older folks have to get up in the night and “P 90 X.” This reduces fat, but it can cause curmudgeonry.

I think we can conclude that the P90X is a hoax. Both end in “x” and then there’s Roswell, the moon-landing, inside jobs, birth-certificates and all that.

getusedtomysteryWill we ever know what P90X really is? Will the comments section erupt in a torrent of irritating statements like: “I love P90X, it works for me!” Will the legendary brick and mortar Rabbit Room have an exercise room?

Some things are meant to be known and understood, like predestination. Others, like the so-called P90X, are best left to the wild wanderings of the wandering wild wanderingness of man.

 


16 Comments

  1. kevin

    Dear SD,

    The Rabbit Room is like a box of chock-luts, you never know what you’re gonna gay-ut. +1 for the virtual exercise room.

    I will not enter into speculation about what P90X is, but since I am finishing up week four today, I will give this testimonial:

    “P90X has not really worked for me, sure I have arms like Hulk Hogan, but no real weight loss. Perhaps it comes from so often using beer as my one carb for the day.”

  2. P

    Funny, very funny. Not sure about the accuracy of some of your theories, but being a fifty-something, I can attest to the truth of the curmudgeon comment. 🙂

  3. Ron Block

    @ronblock

    Nice pictures. I have some very similar shots of my kids.

    P90X mayalsocausenausealegcrampserectiledysfunctionmeaslesirritabilitydivorce-suddenbowelmovementsorinsomecasesinstantandverypainfuldeath.

  4. Josiah

    Ha ha ha… that was good. Thanks for sharing your wit… you nit wit.

    P90X Sounds like a supercharged Nissan from the 80’s. “I just put a new spoiler on my P90X”

  5. Aaron Roughton

    First of all, your son is totally wrong on those lyrics. That is NOT how they go. And the P90X is actually misunderstood. It was erroneously copied from an unpublished Dr. Seuss book called One Fit Two Fit Red Meat You’re Fat. The 9 is actually a lowercase “g,” and the 0 is an “o.” The creature in question is the Pgox, from the rhyme:

    Have you ever met a Wondle?
    Or a Plinky Plonky Plox?
    Or have you ever lost a ton of body fat
    By exercising with the Pgox?

    Mystery solved.

  6. whipple

    Hmm. P90X sounds like a fancy newfangled aer-o-plane. Maybe you get on it and run on a wheel to power it like one of those little critters in the Flintstones. A Viking slave ship for the 21st century.

  7. Rob Dunbar

    P90X is actually the secret ingredient that powers the TARDIS, and by a strange coincidence it is derived from unobtainium. Yeah, you’ll get ripped all right….watch out for that time-space continuum thingie there.

  8. S.D. Smith

    Aaron. You sir, win again. Amazing. Stupendousness. All I can say is “wow.” And wow upside down, “mom.”

    And good job everyone else, too.

  9. S.D. Smith

    Help me out here.

    A friend named me suggested that I start a “ministry” solving difficult issues like “What is the P90X?” and “Does Ron Block have proxy readers?” and “Is A. Roughton a rotten liar?”

    A name is needed:

    Code X Ministries? <—over using X, and code?

    Code Crackers? <—-possibly racist.

    This Mystery is History International Healing Waters International Ministry of Global Wealth and Big Smiles International? <—– too short?

    S.D. Smith Gets Your Cash LTD? <—too obvious?

    Any ideas?

  10. Ron Block

    @ronblock

    When I get a book I just read the back cover, get the gist, and move on.

    Also in the SkyMall catalog there is the “Read All of George MacDonald and C.S. Lewis in 50 Minutes” service where some brainiac reads them all and gives a short, detailed synopsis of each one, with the main points. One of my favorite books, and one of the few I’ve actually read myself, is “How To Seem Intelligent.”

  11. Peter B

    So… so much awesome.

    For what it’s worth, I actually heard about the Pgox about two years ago when I was looking for a chin-up bar. Had no idea what it was, and I ended up just getting some black iron pipe and building my own in the garage, but it sure sounded like it had the makings of a fad.

    Now to get my brain back so I can join in the hysterics…

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