Flying in the Face

By

When Philip and I were in Paris a few years ago, he took me to the Annick Goutal shop on the Rue Bellechasse to buy me some perfume. With a characteristic twist of City-of-Light-magic, we stepped off the bustling little street and into what seemed for all the world like a nineteenth-century parfumerie. The walls were lined with open shelves painted buttery-cream and touched with gilt, all bearing the same simple offerings of iconic ivory boxes, and in the center of the tiny store stood a mahogany display table, ranged with ribbon-topped bottles of scent like debutantes lined up for a dance.

I was enchanted, and, despite the close quarters, completely overwhelmed. At that moment a clerk in a smart black dress appeared from behind a velvet curtain and proceeded to welcome us in her mellifluous tongue, and to ask how she could be of assistance. Philip answered her at once, with that utterly un-self-conscious ease of his that had been continually amazing me from the moment we’d touched down at Charles de Gaulle. He speaks French beautifully, though he’d be the first to deny it, and I loved watching him banter with the crepe man at his cart on Saint-Germain and the vendors of roses in the Marché aux Fleurs. (There was the little incident at the Rive Gauche café wherein the woman waiting on us stoutly declared—in English, no less—that there was no such thing as a “croissant with chocolate inside of it”. She must have been having a bad day, for the customer next to us at the counter simply laid down her newspaper and remarked quite calmly, in French, “I think he means a pain au chocolat.” Which, of course, he did. Without her intervention, I fear we might have gone breakfast-less that morning.)

I smiled rather lamely at the bright Frenchwoman as she showed us around the parfumerie, chattering away over the various top notes and essences. In Paris, as in other places we’ve traveled, it has been my code to wear black and keep my mouth shut, endeavoring to avoid the quintessential stereotype of the American abroad—which is itself a stereotype, I am well aware. Nevertheless, I maintained my credo with a modicum of dignity, sniffing the samples she provided, enjoying the melody of the language as she and my husband conversed over roses and jasmine and honeysuckle, picking up the bottles in turn to read their bewitching names. All was going well until the shopkeeper turned to me with a direct question, her eyes alight with friendly inquiry and her words falling out in a rill of beautiful incomprehensibility. I blushed and blurted that I didn’t speak French, and without batting an eye she repeated her question in English.

Something must have snapped in me at that moment, I remember it with such crystalline clarity. I didn’t want to be on the outside of such a magical language—I wanted to learn the spell that would put such beauty into my mouth, give me the savoir faire to move among the people of a world so different from my own. A latent desire sparked awake in that little gilt and crystal shop and I wanted it so bad I could taste it.

Philip picked up a bottle and grinned at the name.

’Ce Soir ou Jamais’,” the shopkeeper laughed, then turned to me with arched eyebrows and a very Parisian tilt of her head, “Tonight—or never!”

We all laughed together at the melodrama implied and I dutifully wafted the sample under my nose. The breath of Turkish roses was intoxicatingly tempting, with its slightly grassy balance and hints of jasmine and pear—a bit more daring than anything I’d worn before. In the end, however, I went with the lovely La Violette, exquisitely uncomplicated in its old-fashioned reserve. I think Philip could have seen that one coming.

When I told him later of my resolution to learn French he was delighted. It was something we could share, another cord of communion to tangibly express the great mystery of making one life out of two. I have to confess, I am continually humbled by the enthusiastic sympathy with which he greets my desires and the practical ways he accommodates my ambitions. Marriage to him has been a flourishing in good, rich ground; a growing into dreams I didn’t even know I had.

Nevertheless, with all his encouragement, with the boon of a French-speaking husband upon which to try out my halting attempts, year after year slipped by without my acquiring much more confidence or vocabulary than a few highly useful phrases like, “Would you like some ice cream?” and “The chickens are in the henhouse.” I chalked up my remarkable failure to a computer program that didn’t work, an audio series that was missing the book, and general busyness (most mauvais of all). But the fact is, I was just too scared. I blushed when I said things to him, across our own kitchen table. What sounded like music in his mouth got stuck in the back of my throat. I psyched myself up, at his laughing pep talk, to order in French at our favorite boulangerie and then punted at the last minute, asking for “a couple of coffees and two croissants with chocolate inside of them”.

It seemed hopeless.

“You have to be an actor,” Philip told me again and again. “You have to just throw yourself out there—overdo it. Play the role of a French person.”

Of course, it’s what the best language teachers will tell you. (And most other teachers in their own way, I’d imagine, from writing to sky-diving.) Adventure presupposes risk; a step in the direction of a dream is often a deliberate revolt against a comparatively snug complacency. The desire accomplished may be sweet to the soul, but it often exacts a steep price from our ego.

The jolly Chesterton said it best: “Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.”

If there’s anything God has been teaching me in the past year, it’s that flying in the face of fear is one of the best ways to shock my soul awake, like a plunge into cold water after a wild flight on a rope swing. Impracticability forces me to rely on Him in practical ways. To be sure, the gremlins I’ve endeavored to stare down might look more like Gizmo to stouter souls than mine. But God knows my weakness, and I believe He knows just where to kindle my heart with desire to flame light into those dark places of insecurity and self-reliance. “Delight yourself in the Lord,” the Psalmist urges, “and He will give you the desires of your heart.” God often grants desire, astonishingly and miraculously. But perhaps it’s more wondrous still that He gives it, employing even the lesser yearnings of our nature to keep us alive to that sehnsucht we’re all so blessedly cursed with.

In the light of this charge towards a more holy recklessness, my husband threw down a dare a few weeks ago. He had listened patiently to the latest installment in the Lanier-wants-to-learn-French saga, had assured me for the eleventy-first time that I could do it. Then he looked me straight in the eye.

“I’ll give you one week to find a tutor.”

A tutor? A thousand excuses rushed to my lips: too expensive, too time-consuming. Too terrifying. But instead I took the hand he offered and shook it solemnly.

“Alright.”

In the end, the tutor God provided was not the one I would have initially approached. I would have been way too intimidated, though I’ve known him most of my life. An erstwhile missionary to France and an extraordinarily gifted linguist, his French is so perfect even the French admire it. He’s the kind of person I would have been happy to practice my conversational skills on—after about twenty years of study. And instead, not two weeks after my challenge, I was sitting with him in the courtyard of a coffee shop in town, telling him I preferred thé vert over café noir and whether I was going to the supermarket en voiture or à pied. I think God thought it was hilarious.

“For an hour and a half, I’m going to speak pretty much nothing but French to you, Lanier,” he told me. “And you’re going to speak French to me.”

It seemed so preposterous—and conspicuous. I have a horror of looking stupid and my self-conscious sensibilities quailed at the thought of being overheard in my incompetence by the other patrons. I felt like everyone would be staring at me—bemusedly. (As if they were all writers, or something. Writers stare at people. And they write things in notebooks, which can be very disconcerting to highly-sensitive individuals. I should know.)

There were evidently no writers among the clientele that afternoon, however, for no one paid us the slightest attention. Several people were smoking and a couple of dogs barked at each other across the courtyard. A delivery truck pulled up in the cobbled alley we were facing with a snort of diesel exhaust.

“This feels like Paris!” my friend laughed, settling back in his chair with a smile of satisfaction. “Vas-tu à l’église ce soir?”

Ce soir—that I knew, and I think I replied that, yes, I was going to church that night. But “ce soir” inevitably summons the words “ou jamais” on its heels, Philip and I have laughed about it so many times since our afternoon in the parfumerie. And out of the jumble of ballet French and random vocabulary I’ve pocketed over the years, I pulled out another adverb, coupling it with the one I had in hand as a sort-of motto for my aventure en Français:

Maintenant ou jamais. Now or never.

And while I’m throwing caution to the winds, it might just be the time to try out a new scent. Pourquoi pas?

Profile photo of Lanier Ivester

Lanier Ivester is a “Southern Lady” in the best and most classical sense and a gifted writer in the most articulate and literal sense. She hand-binds books and lives on a farm with peacocks, bees, sheep, and the governor of Ohio’s leg. She loves old books and sells them from her website, LaniersBooks.com, and she’s currently putting the final touches on her first novel, as well as studying literature at Oxford.


16 Comments

  1. Laura Peterson

    Really, Lanier. HOW do you WRITE like this? (Excuse all those caps. Just, wow.) I really felt like I was standing in that parfumerie with you, and sitting in that courtyard casting glances around for bemused writers. It is an odd sort of gift to hear someone else confess that they have a horror of looking stupid–that is often the fear than hangs out in the back of my mind 24/7. I think the perfectionism disease is in my genes….one of my dear grandpa’s favorite sayings was, “Anything worth doing is worth doing well.” I don’t think he read a lot of Chesterton. 🙂 Thanks for giving us encouragement to go flying in the face of our fears.

  2. Profile photo of Pete Peterson

    Pete Peterson

    @pete

    What a fantastic post. Thanks, Lanier. Had I known Phillip spoke french I’d have consulted him when I was doing translations for Fiddler’s Green.

  3. Matthew Benefiel

    Wonderfully told! The full beauty of your tale is how you tie it to God and how we need to rely on Him. This is great encouragement to many of us who also are attempting tasks that either scare us, or take much more out of us than we care to give sometimes. I love coming here, reading and being blessed; after hearing about what’s wrong with the world elsewhere. Thank you.

  4. Sherry

    Thank you, Lanier, for a lovely story–and the reminder that I can face my fears with GOd’s help, even at my advanced age of 50+ Time to learn something new!

  5. Loren

    Beautiful! And a wonderful challenge to take the plunge, take the bit, take the bull by the horns–whichever–and see what wild adventure God has for me. I’m always so hesitant and fight change, but I am slowly learning to trust and watch for God’s magic to work marvels.

    …And someday, perhaps, I’ll learn another language fluently. I, too, have been blessed with a husband who knows a couple well, and there are times I’m green with envy 🙂 .

  6. Vanessa

    But they DO make croissants with chocolate inside of them! At least at the french bakery I worked at here in the states… They’re terrific. (they made ones with almond paste inside too.)

    And I have to go visit the rope swing at the river after reading this.

  7. Livingoakheart

    I began learning French this year, for multiple reasons.
    Because my degree required it; because I have french ancestry; because all those English authors break into it occasionally (seriously, Dorothy Sayers!); but mostly because it sounds beautiful.
    For the end of the year, we had to do an oral presentation. Our assignment was to ‘introduce yourself to the Lonely Hearts club.’ So I wrote my presentation. I memorized it. I practiced pronunciation. And on the day, I became Marie Poirot.
    I spoke the most beautifully I had all semester.

  8. Janice

    I don’t dance. I never learned. I have two left feet. The few lessons I had didn’t go well. My daughter does dance. Years of dance school and practice. We live far apart now, but sometimes when we get together we dance in the kitchen (always in the kitchen- hmmm, what does that say?). We put our arms around each other and dance, laughing hysterically and enjoying ourselves until we are breathless. With my daughter, I am a dancer because she loves me enough to dance with me.

    With Grandpere’ and Grandmere’, I spoke French. Not at all well but I loved, as you do, the melodic sound of their voices and the words they spoke. I didn’t have to worry about looking foolish with them, they loved me anyway.

    Thank you. This was a beautiful encouragement.

  9. Jaclyn

    Thank you– this is beautiful and timely for me.

    “(As if they were all writers, or something. Writers stare at people. And they write things in notebooks, which can be very disconcerting to highly-sensitive individuals. I should know.)”

    Hehe! My people-watching custom started when I would visit the mall and be sitting for long periods in food courts or dressing room waiting areas. Sometimes I want to shut off my eyes– but people are so interesting!

  10. Gill Bourne

    Lanier, Annick Goutal fragrances are delicious!! I have a delightfully Edwardian Perfumerie near where I live which sells these wonderful bottles of heavenly fragrance. I like Mimosa best but the Jasmine is very lovely too and the more exotic “Songes”. I shall definitely try Violette and “Ce Soir ou Jamais” next time!!

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