Emotion for Cons? Not On My Casio Watch!


We’ve already built an airtight case against Twitter here which some people tried to respond to but all I heard was “Blah, blah, blah I just ate lunch, here’s a picture of it on tinyurl.”

I can safely assume that, by extension, the case has been made against blogs, Facebooking, MySpacing, Youtubing, all so-called “Christian” pseudo-alternatives to these social outlets and anything else people enjoy. (Has some one made a “Christian” knock-off of Twitter yet?)

By the way, there’s a new program for all the people who join Twitter and then don’t come back after one week. It’s called “Quitter” and it’s the fastest growing trend in trendy Twitterland. And that guy who took my name and never uses it is really irritating as well. So is hypocrisy. And ants.

But what about Emoticons? You know…these things:

🙂 😉 🙁 😕

Are they to be rejected as we have so scientifically made the case to reject other fun things?

Here follows a bold prediction:
In ten years all written communication will be in the form of emoticons.

This begs the question: Are emoticons of value?

Let’s do what thoughtful people do (for a change) and compile a list of emotipros and emoticons.

1. Cuteness. I am a man, so I’ll stop right there. E-nuff said.
2. I’m pretty sure no one else noticed this, but some of these things kind of look like a person’s face. 🙁  <— frowny face. Look closely.
3. Allows people to make use of that part of the keyboard which does not have letters on it with success. I don’t know about you, but I get lost over there in the land of :;'”<,.>?/}[. It’s confusing. What are you supposed to use for what? The answer is emoticons. That’s what.

1. Anything popular with teenagers is bad. This is a pretty infallible rule.
2. It replaces written communication. Instead of saying, “I feel so sick today,” you get some green little face –which is not better.
3. Most men look from side to side to see if anyone is watching before punching in an emoticon. And they should. So, it’s a shameful thing. Gents, no eye-contact, or hugging. And if you must hug, don’t make eye-contact.
4. They’ve cheapened the “Have a Nice Day” smiley face. It used to mean something.

So it’s 4 to 3, and Emoticons lose. Now, stop it.



  1. Robert Treskillard

    If the Emoticons lose, does that mean the Emotipros win?

    I’m confused. %-)

    Anyway, I like that Emotipros vs Emoticons thing. 🙂

    My question is, how long until we have people worshiping these emoticons? Oh, that’s right, they’ll only be worshiping the reality behind the emoticons.

    Ah well,

    Signing off,

    Robert 🙂

  2. Pete

    Emoticons are not in the King James version of the Bible, so they must not be of God (note: “God” must be pronounced in this case with at least two syllables).

  3. Josh

    To answer your question earlier on in this post, there was a “Christian” knock-off of Twitter. It was shut down for some reason, but Patrol magazine made sure to follow it before that happened.

    Here’s the initial article about it: http://www.patrolmag.com/scanner/1661/-godwitter-because-it-was-only-a-matter-of-time

    And here’s the report on its demise: http://www.patrolmag.com/scanner/1689/did-patrol-kill-godwitter

    And for the record, I’m glad someone has finally made a sensible argument against emoticons besides “they’re stupid”. Thanks.

  4. Carl

    I actually used to think <3 was some sort of gang symbol or that “less than three” was some new band or teenage symbolism for being immature. Come to find out it’s a heart. Makes me wish there was just a little more behind it than that– stupid calculus classes.

  5. Bret Welstead

    Prediction: In the not so distant future, senators will no longer vote using “yea” or “nay.” Instead, they’ll use 😀 or >:-( and they’ll rename their legislative gathering… Emoti-Congress.

    Yuk, yuk, yuk.

  6. Bret Welstead

    Great: The smiley I typed actually showed up, and in the wrong place. Thanks, Rabbit Room. Grr…

    I’m gonna Tweet about this, that’s for sure…

  7. Robert Treskillard

    Yeah, and as long as they’re not replaced with an upright graphic by the software, all the chiropractors just love emoticons.

    Especially that heart one <3, because I first turn my head to the left, and only when it doesn’t make sense do I crank it to the right, throwing my neck out.

    Ahhhgg!! Help!


  8. Rex Queems

    I like rules that are pretty infallible. Why say something is absolutely infallible when that is redundant? Say pretty infallible which gives the pleasure of saying an absolute statement while not really saying anything at all. Viva emoticons! Oh, and cheers to you to Mr. Smith.

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