Amish Fantasy Book Title Competition Winner Announced and “Mennonite in Black” Didn’t Win


Well, as if my asinine original post wasn’t inflicting enough stupidity on you, here’s an unlooked-for follow up. It’s sort of comforting, and sort of disturbing, to think that there are so many of you who have weird imaginations. I feel at home. In a weird home with weird people like me in it. You guys make me laugh. Also, I see many of you are brilliant namers of things. I might actually post a little blurb about my own novel sometime and ask for suggestions for names because you guys obviously can come up with some names.

Also. It must be noted that while I judge this stiff competition of thousands of entrants I am listening to/sort of watching Beck on Austin City Limits. This is something I taped a few years back on a device called a VCR. Beck is weird. So is/are the Flaming Lips, who back him up. I love it.

Now, to the competition. At stake, one hug and one autographed copy of my autograph –as promised. I have no idea how to fulfill this guarantee, but we’ll give it the old college try (the new college try never works).

There were so many amazing entries. I assume getting a hug from me is like, one of the top things. Or you people just have pent-up brilliant silliness that is oozing out and you need a place to put it.

I’m here for you.

Note: I posted this here at the Rabbit Room and at my website, so I chose from the pool of both.

OK, without further ado. Here’s the top five in descending order, along with some honorable mentions (though many more were hilarious).

Honorable Mention:
The Fancy Timepiece –Aaron Roughton
An Unencumbered Beard -Matt C
Breaching the Ordnung –Chad Ethridge
So You Think You Can’t Dance –Russ Ramsey’s much cleverer wife

5. Hannah Yoder: Elf-Queen of Arcola –Rob “Highfive” Dunbar
4. Mennonite in Black –Aaron “The People’s Choice” Crossley
3. Love’s Light-Reflecting Triangle –Jessica “On the Medal Stand” Crossley
2. Obadiah’s Wormhole –Aaron “Bridesmaid” Roughton
1. Matthew Lapp and the Enchanted Hatband –Kevin “No Relation” Smith

I ended up going with ones that truly had both the Amish and the Fantasy elements.

Congrats to Kevin, get ready for that hug. And the writing sample.

Also, just to update, Beck is now dancing while some guy follows him around with flashlights. “Bottles and cans and just clap your hands.”

11:50 PM


  1. Aaron Roughton

    Thanks for the fun as well as the silliness outlet. My family appreciates not having the silliness poured out on them. Oh, and the nickname. I’ve never had one. I’m going to get “Bridesmaid” stitched on all my soccer jerseys from now on.

  2. Jonathan Rogers

    When you’re identifying someone named Smith, I don’t think you have to specify “no relation.”

    So, SD, what culture/faith community are we going to mock next?

  3. Aaron Roughton

    That dog baptizing story is on the RR somewhere. I’d vote for a reposting. By the way, Russ, did you know you can unscramble “Presbyterians” to make “Britney Spears?” I’m just sayin.

  4. Jonathan Rogers

    Loren, I have since learned that most Presbyterians don’t baptize their pets, so you seem to fit right in with that. But in third grade, I only knew one openly Presbyterian person, and he was a dog-baptizer. One works with the data one has. I’ve been Presbyterian myself for going on twenty years; when it comes to dog baptism, I’ve adopted a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy with my fellow Presbyterians.

    (As Aaron pointed out, I’ve been through all this in a previous post and comment: thread:

  5. Becky

    The Presbyterian question should not be whether the dog was baptized or not, but if the dog was still an infant at the time and was he/she immersed or sprinkled?

  6. Aaron Roughton

    That’s a great question Mike. It can only be answered with any certainty with regard to cats, however. Because I know for a fact that God, in His absolute sovereignty, did not include any cats in the elect. And anyway, I think they dissolve if you try to baptize them because they’re made of pure evil.

    By the way, The Baptized Unregenerate Dogs was the name of my prison football team when I was in the big house.

  7. Ron Block


    I have had a few household pets that I felt like holding under water for ten minutes or more. That would be a good way to baptize them and dispatch them to the other world all in one shot.

  8. Jonathan Rogers

    Okay, Seth, now you really are wading into some theological depths. Those who believe in paedobaptism don’t believe that the baptizee has to understand what’s going on. But I think everybody agrees the baptizer has to have a good idea of what he’s doing. Unless your dog has been to seminary, Seth, I’m not sure that counts as baptism.

    This thread reminds me of one of my favorite theological jokes…

    Interlocutor 1: Do you believe in baby baptism?
    Interlocutor 2: Believe in it? I’ve seen it done!

  9. S. D. Smith


    I blame Jonathan Rogers, author of “How to Tell If Yer Dog is Saved,” for distracting people on this superfluouse Rabbit trail (yikes) about canine baptism. There’s serious subject at hand, one that we should all be devotong tons of time to.

    I’d appreciate it if we’d get back on the subject and ignore all mention of excellent books like On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness and North! Or, Be Eaten and any related podcasts by two great authors and focus on buggies and blades. We must get back to the basics: buggies and blades.

    Also…I grew up in a Baptist church. Do you know what you call a Baptist who can read?

    A Presbyterian.

  10. Tony Heringer

    Sam…you are just now figuring out that we are weird?

    Ron, Mike Vick called, he’s coming over to share his thoughts on your post.

    Russ, being a Presbyterian pasto,r is getting lots of sermon zingers from this post.

    Thanks all for an nice afternoon chuckle.

  11. Don Smith

    You must baptize dogs as newborn puppies because when they get their eyes open they become Reformed Dispensationalists and Credo Baptists!

  12. Natalie

    This seems as good a time as any to say I’m a big fan of this blog and I have laughed to an embarrassing degree over this post 🙂 Thanks for making my day end happy.

  13. Leanne

    I’m with Natalie on this. Worth a comment. Loved the ridiculousness of these posts and everyone’s contributions. I’ve heard of the Amish Romance craze but haven’t read any of them. (Nor do I plan to.) Recently my husband and I discovered, while browsing at Barnes and Noble, a section of Harlequin-type novels that all had pregnant women or new mommies as the heroines. We were amused and a little appalled as we laughed at the titles and pictures on the covers.

  14. Pete

    When I lived in Maryland, I belonged to a Saturday morning bible study of very spiritually mature guys with the most wicked sense of humor I’ve ever seen (with the possible exception of many of the posters and commenters on this blog). We were sharing stories about strange churches we’d attended, and one of them told a story about some of their Church of Christ cousins who lived in Alabama (somehow that seems to make it more fitting). Their church actually had “baptism spotters”. Someone would get down with an eye at water level to make sure that the baptizee was totally submerged – kind of like a line judge. If an elbow or other body part stuck out, they’d “throw a flag and call the play back” (not really – that was our way of putting it).

    My church was rapidly growing, and had a baptismal font right off to the side. Almost every service we had one or more baptisms. The next Sunday after we’d heard the story, there was a baptism. Not one, not two, but THREE of my friends raised both hands (like a ref signaling a touchdown). I can never look at a baptism now without looking for a “clean dunk”.

    When I told my wife, she though it was terribly disrespectful and inappropriate. But she now occasionally comments on a “busted” baptism.

  15. Peter B

    Pete, that was truly epic.

    Sam-o, I may have to steal Buggies and Blades for my new band name.

    Seriously, this is the best contest to hit the Rabbit Room since Theolo-Vision almost two years ago; keep up the quality!

  16. kevin

    #1- Canine baptism DEFINITELY deserves it’s own day in the sun in the RR… he he. Pun intended.

    #2- I would first like to thank the Academy, wherever that is. Without their help, celebrities would have almost nobody to thank for their coolness. I would also like to thank Mr. SD Smith, for forcing me to research the Amish and have fun while doing it.

    On a lighter note, I think that the Amish are the perfect folk to poke at in the privacy of the RR, since only the ones with senses of humor could possibly get wind of our tomfoolery. Brilliant post, S. Loved it.

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